Author’s Note: Well, Canada’s 150th birthday is coming up in just a few weeks and I thought I’d do this fun little short story in order to celebrate. I always liked the idea of their being a medieval Canada, even though Canada didn’t exist as its own country back then. At least, not in the form we know it as today. When making this story, I wanted to do a parody of Arthurian Lore, which I’m a huge fan of. I hope you all enjoy!
I threw as many Canadian stereotypes and jokes into one story as I could. I wanted to capture that feel of a medieval setting mixed with those Canadian gags we’ve come to expect from things like SCTV and Canadian Bacon. I hope you all enjoy, and have an amazing Canada Day!
The sun shone onto a nearby forest, one beset by danger. The majestic trees and chirping birds couldn’t hide the intense battle currently taking place inside. One could look at the forest from an outside view and not notice anything, but beyond the great trees and dense foliage, a climatic duel was about to take place. This was a duel between a king and a powerful knight who challenged him.
The first to show up at the appointed combat site was the King of Saskatchewan, also known as Edward Ogopogo. This man was strong and brave, yet kind and wise. The man had a muscular frame, yet a stout appearance. Edward barely stood at about 5 feet tall, making him seem far less intimidating to those who would oppose him. Edward wasn’t the most powerful warrior in all of Canada, but he knew how to hold his own.
Edward wore a suit of green armor, one with the image of a red flower emblazoned on the front. The suit had been well-oiled, and had been sized and fitted perfectly for the rather short warrior King. The armor wasn’t hefty enough to encumber Edward that much, though he didn’t have enough mobility to run that much in such heavy gear.
The King always kept his face hidden, he felt it was a waste of time to always show his face to every opponent he faced. His face was well-known, and he saw no point in revealing his well-known visage to everyone he did battle with. Edward was fully ready to do battle. He unsheathed his sword from its scabbard, slowly pulling out the steel sword from its resting place. Edward took his time removing the sword, in order to let the sun shine down on the metal of the blade.
The blade appeared to glow and hum as the light of the sun shone down upon it, as if it was absorbing the light itself! This magical sword was given to Edward long ago, bestowed upon him by the former King. The last King before Edward was an eccentric fellow, dressing in the finest and most flamboyant outfits. The King had this magic sword crafted just because he wanted something shiny to show off to visitors. The sword itself had no innate mystical power, aside from its shine. The sword was known as the “Cherry Blade”, named after the flamboyant King Cherry.
Edward brandished the Cherry Blade, but was suddenly caught off-guard when he heard the rustling of nearby leaves. Edward gripped the handle of the blade in both hands, as he dug his armored boots into the dirt below him. Edward readied himself with a combat stance, while he watched the bushes in front of him. Leaves began to rustle before him, as he took notice of someone emerging from behind the bushes.
Emerging from the dense foliage was a large knight. This knight towered above Edward, being at least a foot taller than him. His body was covered head-to-toe in white armor, with a red maple leaf emblazoned on his chest. This towering warrior held a large great-sword between his two armor gloves. Despite the massive size of this blade, the warrior appeared to hold it with ease.
The blade appeared almost weightless to Edward, as he witnessed the knight brandish the sword with zero effort. “Nice blade, eh!” Edward exclaimed, with a nervous twinge to his voice. He had never witnessed an opponent with impressive gear before. The towering colossus, clad in his white armor walked towards Edward. His hefty metal boots left noticeable imprints in the ground as he walked forward.
The Red-and-White Knight stepped towards the king with his sword drawn. “Your blade is equally impressive, eh. Let’s just hope you don’t fight like a hoser!” The knight then hoisted his sword upwards with all his might. Edward tried to react, but it was too late! The blade swung through the air like a violent wind, as it hammered down upon the poor king. The blade hit the crux of Edward’s armor, but somehow bounded it off of him as if he was wearing armor made out of the strongest metal!
The massive hulking warrior looked down at his sword, as he gripped his helmet using his left hand and pulled it off. The giant revealed himself to be somewhat of a pretty-boy, having a face that was unfitting of an enormous warrior. He had long blonde hair, making him greatly resemble a forest elf from the hidden village of “La Ronge”.
Once free of his helmet, the warrior proceeded to scan the sword with baby-blue eyes. That’s when he realized something, something that cost him dearly. “The enchantment worked too well, eh!” Exclaimed the knight, causing Edward to snicker a little. “So, you have a useless sword, too? All my sword can do is glow, eh!” The knight waved his armored finger at the end and scoffed at the king’s response. “At least your sword can cut stuff, the enchantment was supposed to make my sword lighter and easier to use, but now it’s too light. I can’t even cut the feathers off a goose with this darn thing, eh!”
“I guess our duel is off, eh? I can’t find a warrior who has a useless weapon, it wouldn’t be honorable!” Exclaimed Edward, as he gripped the hilt of his sword and slid it back into its holster. “Agreed, I’d care not to die today for a stupid mistake. Besides, I wouldn’t want to sully your blade with ill-gotten blood, eh.” A smile crossed Edward’s rugged face, as he silently agreed with the knight’s sentiment.
“What’s your name, large and boyish one?” Asked the king, in a not so subtle way. “They call me William Ghostkeeper. An odd name, I know.” Edward grinned, “I think it’s a fine name. So, now that we’ve settled our sortie by not doing anything, what now?” Asked Edward as he looked as William.
“Wanna grab some poutine? I know a village a couple miles north of here that has the best poutine in the kingdom, eh!” Exclaimed William, while tossing his useless sword to the ground. “Now that’s what I’m talking aboot, eh!” With their weapons discarded, the two former rivals left their battlefield as friends.
Legends speak of this act as one of the first true showings of Canadian hospitality. When two warriors put aside their differences and useless weaponry, and decided to share a good ol’ bowl of poutine. To this day, King Edward and William Ghostkeeper are hailed as legends to the Canadian people, though forgotten by most. What’s still remembered is the understanding and kindness they showed.